I am a scientist (not really). You may not know that. My field is stupidity. I do experiments on stupidity and I have proven that no matter how stupid something is, you can put Kojak on it and you can turn a FAIL into KOJAK WIN.

Allow me to show you my purely scientific and peer reviewed data:

KIM KARDASHIAN FAIL -> KOJAK WIN:

(Image from Complex Magazine)

The Situation FAIL -> KOJAK WIN:

Tyra Banks FAIL -> KOJAK WIN:

Katy Perry FAIL -> KOJAK WIN:

KOJAK FAIL -> KOJAK WIN (AT SAME TIME):

As you can see from this selection of data, Kojak can even fail so hard that he turns into sort of a furry hermaphroditic WIN. So really what you have is a double win that can fall under multiple levels of fandom. With win.

That concludes my experiment.

Whoever the asshole is who designed this mini egg pan is the biggest troll of the culinary world:

I don’t have the package anymore to tell you what company made it or to write them an angry letter. If you see this egg pan in the store, do not succumb to it’s constipated egg cute face. Do not buy it.

This freaking thing looks cute, but the handle heats up to temperatures between Hell and Hell Plus Sriracha Butt. When you go to touch the handle, it will promptly SEAR YOUR FINGER WITH THE BURNS OF MANY FIRES. Meanwhile, your eggs will need to be flipped so you go to get a spatula. SURPRISE! All spatulas are too big to actually fit inside this thing so your eggs will start to turn brown and black and make the kitchen smell like an ape shit on a pile of rancid bananas.

Then what you’ll do it let it cool and throw the whole shebag into the trash while nursing your severely burned hand.

Cajun King Cake vs. New Jersey King Cake:

This week is Mardi Gras. All you really need to understand from this is that it is time to eat King Cakes and Paczkis. You pronounce it “Punch-key”. Here is what they look like. They are basically donuts on steroids:

Boston Creme:

Boston Creme and Cheese:

Strawberry and Creme, Cheese, Boston Creme, and Prune in the center:

The Prune one tasted like someone shit on a Fruit Roll-Up. I think we’ll skip that one next year. All of the others were good, though.

King Cakes are from Louisiana, Paczkis are from Poland. My family has Polish heritage mixed in there (My Mom spoke Polish) so we always had Pazckis. King Cakes are new to me. They are not really a cake-more like a sweet bread that tastes better than a sweet bread. It’s covered with icing and sugar and can have different fillings inside.

If you are in New Jersey you can get a King Cake at La Bonbonierre. It is not absolutely authentic, but it will give you a very close idea of what it is like. It is smaller and more dense than the authentic ones, but equally tasty:

Thanks to our friend Amber who has recently moved from LA to NJ, we got a chance to taste test a real King Cake from Louisiania and the NJ-made King Cake. She told us that the best King Cakes from from the Cajun Pecan House. This is the blueberry one she shared with us. There is a baby Jesus inside the cake. Whoever gets the baby has to buy the cake for next year. You can see the gold baby head in the cake sticking out. (Oops!):

It came with a doubloon and beads:

A Farting Rocket Sheep:

Also mayhem:

You can also friend me on Facebook, and I have fan pages for:

Stupid and Insane
My Annoying Life
Intervention

Now that that is out of the way, let’s talk about the con. It was great seeing you guys and thanks to the Katsucon staff for being super nice to us, feeding us, and helping us around the event. They really did a great job! My panels went very well – we had a lot of people in the room, and I got some applause and standing ovations at various points. That was surreal.

I will be posting up the Powerpoint I did regarding “Promoting Your Work Online / Working with the Press” in a few days. I believe I will put it in a video and narrate through it. A lot of the information in it came from us talking about the points in it.

It was a tough week for me – we ended up having a delay on Friday due to work stuff. We had trouble loading our vehicle and ended up arriving on Saturday which made Harknell upset. I then promptly sliced my finger open WHILE TAKING OUT MY CONTACT LENSES WTF and bled all over the hotel room. Luckily our roommate - Garth Graham of Finders Keepers had a first aid kit. It was really bleeding a lot! Not to be undone, Mysterious Diarrhea also visited at one point. Oh wow, what food sensitivity do I have NOW?

I like going to cons because I like seeing you guys, but in general it is a pretty stressful experience for Harknell and I – as you can see from all that went wrong. We need to figure out a way to get our footprint lower before going to another one. Aside from Intervention , I don’t know if I’ll be going to very many others this year during the Summer. I used to do many many cons, but I’m cutting back to doing either paid appearances, events that have partnered with Intervention, or events that I really love and want to support. I believe Otakon is the next one I will be at in support of Intervention.

That said, if you’d like to hire me to do a presentation at your event or to consult on a project, contact me.

YOU, however, should go to Intervention most definitely and see me. That is THE event for us. We plan over a year in advance to make sure it is the highest quality event we can possibly give fandom. I’ll be giving a small number of very planned in advance presentations and one-on-one seminars there. Anyone who wants to know how to do what I do – their best option i to get the real deal here.

This will allow me the time to get my books out (I have 3 in the pipeline now) and to give the things to my readers that they deserve in the timeframe they want. :) My book was supposed to be out a year ago, but all of this work on my event took priority. I will be announcing a release date as soon as I am sure I can meet it. This will be soon.

In the meantime, please harass your friends into going to Intervention. They will not be disappointed. Unless they suck and don’t like awesome.

Wax museums have a long history in horror and the macabre. If fact, one could say the whole point of a wax museum is to stimulate the weird notion of the “living dead” by seeing non-living representations of famous or infamous people, but in a fashion that makes them seem “alive”. As such, a wax museum has huge potential for a haunt. Madame Tussauds, the New York City outpost of the world spanning Madame Tussaud wax museum company, in fact turned into a limited duration haunt in October 2011. Oni and I visited it during this time and the following review reflects our thoughts on this visit.

To start I have to say we have never been inside the museum to see it during it’s regular hours. This added to our anticipation, and our fears, since we had absolutely no idea of the layout or the types of exhibits that were in place. The notion of seeing dimly lit realistic people already has a creepy vibe–but knowing that this would make the haunt actors even harder to detect made this haunt seem even more scary than a regular one. Even the best haunts don’t usually have the funding to have exceptionally realistic fake bodies or displays, so this place started off in a position of high possibilities.

It was relatively easy to get in and get our tickets. While the line control wasn’t the best, it wasn’t terrible either, just a bit messy when it came down to who was expected to approach the check out from the multiple lines. Once we purchased our tickets we walked upstairs and awaited for an elevator to bring us to the beginning of the walkthrough. We ended up waiting about 20 minutes, with a small group of people ahead of us being let in first. This was a positive though, since they weren’t doing a conga line approach to things. Each group was discretely taken into to the entrance floor and given quite a bit of time to walk through the haunt. I have to admit the anticipation helped put me on edge–We’ve been to a huge number of haunts, but the atmosphere was definitely doing it’s job (much like Eastern State Penitentiary).

It then was our time to enter. We were in a small group, with a few excitable young women, and we ascended in the elevator. We entered the haunt in a wide spacious room with stairs leading down–what would normally be the reverse of a regular haunt that squeezes you down into a tight space. Immediately the dim lighting and figures made us really get ready for some major scares. The idea that the space was so open actually was really effective–who knows where someone could come running out, or a half-seen figure make odd unexpected movements. The payoff was pretty immediate with a man running out waving around a sword and running up onto some of the furniture. His assault occurred so rapidly and with such force that the group of young excitable women seemed to practically fall into a swoon of fear. Oni and and I continued onward at a slow pace, now on guard. (as an aside: We’re not actually sure what happened with that group of women. After this initial room we actually never saw them again! They never caught up to us–and we were actually moving pretty slowly–and we were at the exit for awhile discussing the haunt–and they never exited during the time we were there! They may very well have dumped out of the haunt immediately based on this first experience!)

The ominous sounds being played within the event only made it more creepy as we walked through more rooms and displays. Having never been inside during the day we weren’t sure if any of the settings were special for this night, or were a part of their regular displays. All I know was it was damn effective. Oni and I have a deep knowledge of the psychology of haunts–how things are set up for scares to misdirect your attention, and this place through things off the regular script. Almost everything in every room was a potential place for a scare, and it made for ongoing tension–which is excellent for a haunt.

The concept of the haunt set up was a walkthrough and descent through the facility. The only other thing that would lead me to having this same feeling of eeriness would be a tour through a darkened series of stores in a mall, a warehouse. Areas that normally would have workers only added to the tension. You just never really knew when a scare would happen. And when they did, it was always a major shock.

The only let down for the event was the ending. The haunt itself did not really have a direct narrative–it was so creepy it didn’t need one!–but it is always good to have some kind of strong finish for a haunt to have a lasting impact. In this case we were set up for something by hearing the wailing and insane babbling of a woman in the distance. When we reached her she was acting in the typical manner of a baby carriage wielding pyscho. the whole “my baby is gone” scenario. We expected some kind of payoff for this, other than the unsettling encounter with the actress. Unfortunately this did not occur. After her we were at the exit and out of the haunt. No “run out” scare, no final monstrous image to leave us panting or afraid on the way out. Sadly it was quite a bit weak in that regard.

Regardless though, the experience of the haunt itself throughout was exceptionally good, and was one of the more unique haunts we’ve been to. It was limited to only 8 nights in 2011, so it was a rare and great treat in the middle of New York City. If they continue it in 2012 it’s a definite on our list to revisit, and a recommended haunt to seek out.

The big comic labels wonder why they appear to be having trouble gaining and keeping female readers. My own eyes have shown me that most of the new indie artists at conventions are female. In fact, every year my own convention usually has a guest speaker list of at least 50% women – and I am not even trying to be diverse. I was just trying to find great people and absolutely ignored their genders and other identifying factors.

There just are THAT many women in comics.

Yet for example DC has complained that they can’t find any women to hire and (to my knowledge) have done little or nothing to change this other than bluster.

The fucking fact that this is even an issue in 2012 speaks volumes.

I remember my sister telling me back in 1990 or so, “DC is really sexist. All they do is have their women get raped or crippled.” My first exposure to rape and beating was actually in the pages of Green Arrow. I remember reading it over and over again because my brain couldn’t possibly process the absurdity. I was looking to these books for a hero of my own and all I saw was a heap of flesh that functioned as a plot device for Green Arrow himself.

A lot of these guys talk this shit back and forth. Frankly, I’m not one to discuss things. I’m more straightforward than that. A lot of their artists have said that they use porn and other things as photo references for the female heroes. That probably explains why they look like they are constantly writhing on a penis. I’ve gone ahead and helped them out with a more accurate literal interpretation of their heroes.

At least *I’m* honest:

EDIT: Wanna make your own vagina hero? Right-click, save the template and paint over it:

These guys these guys these guys AUUUGH. Every holiday they have the best recipes. Check out their shortbread cookie recipe.

Also, apparently they just had a baby giraffe. I can’t wait to see this when I go back in April. They might as well just install a house for me in this park.

They also have this badass Valentine’s safari that I would totally be doing if I weren’t in NJ right now. DRINKIN’ SAFARI DRINKIN’ SAFARI OH YEA.

Really if you think about it, living in New York/New Jersey is like a DRINKIN’ SAFARI. However the one with the lions would be my preference. :D

Celebrate Valentine’s Day with the ultimate “date night” – a romantic adventure under the stars, complete with unforgettable African animal encounters and delicious treats on Busch Gardens Serengeti Night Safari.

WHAT: Valentine’s Day Serengeti Night Safari
Venture through Edge of Africa to witness the active nighttime behaviors of hippos, lions and hyenas, lit only by moonlight and handheld lanterns. Then, on the Serengeti Plain, use night-vision monoculars and special filtered lighting to view free-roaming herds of giraffes, zebra, rhinos and other intriguing African animals. After your amazing animal adventure, cozy up around a roaring bonfire to hear colorful tales of African folklore.

DATE: Tuesday, Feb. 14, 6:30-9 p.m.

FOOD/DRINKS: This nighttime experience begins and ends in the exclusive Safari Club. You will enjoy savory appetizers and adult beverages before the excursion, and a special nightcap completes the evening with champagne and chocolate-dipped strawberries.

PRICE: The cost is $60 per person, plus tax. Park admission is not required or included.

RESERVATIONS: Call 1-888-800-5447 or visit BuschGardens.com. Guests must be 21 years of age or older to participate.

I don’t know if it is because of my high stress level or what, but I am always getting paralyzing insomnia. Thai means that I’ll routinely be up until 1-3AM regardless of whether I am actually being productive.

I think for artists, you are either in the mood to draw or you aren’t. Stress can kill your creativity. I know I give you guys good advice about being motivated, but that’s pretty much because it’s the advice I have given myself. My nature is to approach every day’s end as if I have failed. Going to sleep to me is almost like admitting defeat for the day, and I refuse to do it.

I have an amazing ability to make the half empty glass take a flying shit in my own face. My own advice is the manual override for my stupid natural inclinations.

The problem with the internet is isolation. I am very social, but many of my in-person friends aren’t artists, or they are artists that only draw and don’t deal very much with the pressures of running a growing company and working with other companies. Art isn’t easy, but compared to the business side of things it is (for me).

It’s not like people TOTALLY don’t understand me. I have more friends than ever before and enjoy seeing them. It’s that I don’t know anyone who does EXACTLY what I do. It’s nice once in awhile to hear, “You know, I get that. It sucks and it’s hard but I get what you are going through. I did that last week. Maybe you should try bunnies.”

It’s kind of fucked up that my success has made me feel less and less like people understand me. From what I understand, this is typical for those people who work their way up like I have. It’s not that other people don’t have equally serious concerns. What I am doing is certainly not any more important than anyone else. We all have things in our lives that we have to deal with. This is more of a dissonance. If someone expects me to be concerned about the new blockbuster movie is coming out, but I have to worry about the 6 conference calls I have this week with companies or finance related to running everything like my event or writing up documentation and conducting meetings with my staff all while balancing a totally separate full time freelance design job…I just can’t be that concerned about a movie right now.

The unfortunate fact is that many of my college friends and I have parted ways because I have changed so much since then. I am an all around better person, but we just didn’t have the same things to talk about anymore. Our bonding activity was watching anime for several hours a week. I just do not have the time to do that anymore.

It probably makes me seem like a tight-assed douche sometimes. I often just get up and leave the room when people are hanging out at my place and talking to Harknell. My mind speaks like one of the hyperactive speeches that you see on Doctor Who. I don’t really feel like I am a part of things and I have so much work to get done.

I guess this is what people mean when they talk about the journey. My world was more mainstream understandable when I was a loser nobody back in college, but life absolutely sucked. Things are better in every way now, but more and more I just feel like I am feeling my way through the dark and making my own field up as I go. This isn’t a problem with other people, this is a problem with a shift in my consciousness. I take overachieving as almost a lifestyle choice. I actually did a job interview a while ago where the guy looked at my resume and did not believe that I did everything that I have done. He thought it wasn’t humanly possible for some reason. WTF. (I didn’t get that job.)

Thank you guys for coming along for the ride with me so far and thank you especially for those of you who have taken the time to show my work to someone else, link me, or advertise it in other ways for me. That is how us independent people are able to keep doing what we are doing.

It does mean a lot to me.

I’m confident I’m kicking ass career-wise, but it’d be nice to be able to commiserate. I wonder if any other artists also feel this way.

ALSO!

I am listening to Battlelore while drawing tonight’s comic. Tolkien Elvish female-fronted melodic metal band from Finland. NUFF SAID! THIS KICKS ASS.

And holy crap it looks like they have an album out that I don’t have. I BUY.

Unfortunately, it looks like the band is on an “Indefinite break”. The touring business model is full of shit and I am sad to see so many bands having to “take breaks” or worse yet in the case of Floor Jansen of After Forever/Revamp and Roy Khan of Kamelot - have nervous breakdowns.

I wonder why people with this level of fame still kill themselves on this old, dated touring model that is not good for health and well-being.

I kind of wish I could get some of these musicians to come to Intervention where we talk about making money without the hellish touring schedule. I hope more bands will come to realize what we all have as artists. If these guys employed the techniques we use they would have an advantage even over us because they have an established fan base from their labels.

Big record labels are often not good (at least in America) because they place the artists in the position of indentured servant. After doing this route for awhile most bands might be broke, but they have a larger fanbase than one of us who never worked with a large company. Amanda Palmer is a great example of someone who stopped working for her label and made more money on her own. It’s because she knew how to use the internet to her advantage. She uses the same techniques I and other indie artists do. The only difference is that she had a pre-existing fan base to pull from.

I am just surprised that these established metal guys keep busting ass and having nervous breakdowns when they could be making more money and having an easier time using the internet to market their own stuff. Maybe they just have not been exposed to the idea.

If any of them are reading, feel free to contact me about how we do it. None of our techniques are secrets. All of them are better than touring your ass off.

I like this guy. He thinks about things like I do.

Industries are just industries – if you run a geek culture event, make comics, have a band, podcast, blog, or run a haunted house, the theory behind how to communicate with your people hold true across all of these genres. Simple communication is how you get raving fans. It’s more about understanding people and being nice than anything else! Just like life.

I can tell you that a sure way to get a bad review from me is to make me not enjoy the time I spend at the attraction. That seems like an obvious statement, but many attractions really don’t seem to get this. I have been to other haunted attractions where the lines were poorly handled, there were not many scare actors to entertain us, the pavement was uneven and terrible to walk on or full of puddles and drainage problems. I am willing to bet that those attractions only conceptualized their attraction from the construction side of things and never thought about what it would look like from their customer’s perspective. Even if the attraction was good, my takeaway was that I would have rather stayed home. I believe that haunts that get this get more business and more repeat visits over the years.

Read Scott’s blog about the haunted house business to see what I mean.

Read my review of his attraction here. TL;DR: We plan to travel 6 hours next year to see it AGAIN. :)