Category: 2012

2012, LOLZ, Oni's Life, Rants

Shit Jingles: A Christmas Story

If you like Christmas music, that’s cool. I’m not going to think anything of it. People are allowed to like things that I don’t like. I may actually be in the minority judging by how well Christmas music sells. I am not that target audience. In my case I hate Christmas music so much that I’ve actually began trembling and left stores that were playing a particularly obnoxious strain of it. Heavy metal bands have even done Christmas music. Those albums can DIAF.

Imagine if you will if the most offensive pop song to you was played every year. Perhaps “Who Let the Dogs Out”, “The Macarena”, or “Hit Me Baby One More Time” would be played in every business establishment and on every TV and Radio Station every year. The simple thud of the same lyrics, the same beat, the same simple songs would start to be annoying.

You wake up, hear Jingle Shits, go to the store hear Shit Jingles, turn on the TV hear Jingle Shits, turn on the radio hear Shit Jingles, turn the channel to hear Shit Jingles that’s exactly 5 seconds earlier than the last Shit Jingles so it’s like you traveled backward in time 5 seconds but really you are still just listening to another rendition of Shit Jingles on a different channel that’s being done by a folk singer wearing a monkey hat.

It’s the same songs every year each with a rendition far more obnoxious than the last. The Rudolph the Red Nosed gangsta rap doesn’t really do much to improve upon an already well-worn concept.

My guess is that some people associate this music with pleasant holiday memories. That’s cool. That’s not me, though. To me it’s also a reminder that there is some sort of party out there that it seems everyone but me is having (with shitty music). There is an ideal concept of what family life is supposed to be entwined with Christmas that I’ve never had, and truthfully, I think a lot of people don’t have.

This might explain why depression is very high during the holidays. I see a lot of people rushing around to buy material goods, pushing people out of the way for stupid sales, and losing sight of the actual sentimental feelings that these songs are supposed to be describing.

“Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells F U I’LL CUT YOU FOR THAT LAST IPHONE ON THE SHELF!” would be more accurate in my opinion.

2012, Oni's Life

At least I didn’t light anything on fire this year at my Festivus party


Blarg. I keep trying to wear my glasses to give my eyes a break but it doesn’t work out. I keep being unable to walk without almost falling on my ass. :/

This past weekend was an interesting one as I held my yearly Festivus party. This meant that I cooked for 9 people (because it’s New Jersey and 9 people is about all that you can fit inside my apartment without installing TARDIS technology).

Last year I did a New Year’s party and we ended up lighting the table on fire and using a fire extinguisher on all of our food. This year I can’t do one of those because I will probably be driving from Florida at that time. I will be livetweeting a 2000 mile, 9 day adventure in which I’ll be livetweeting (and later blogging) the holiday shenanigans. The Disney Parks and Busch Gardens Tampa Christmastown is only a small fraction of what we plan to check out.

This is probably the worst idea we have ever had, so feel free to LOL at our dumb asses as we drive and drive and drive and probably get eaten by a were-snowman or an ass leprechaun.

If you want to hear about that as it happens, follow me on twitter. If you can wait, you’ll see the highlights here later.

But I digress. This year my Festivus party was better than the New Year’s Eve one I did last year, but it involved the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special, so maybe that’s debatable.

From Wikipedia: “He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special was universally panned by critics, most notably a five year old Monte A. Smith who noted that [writers] Don Heckman and Bob Forward had done more to ruin his childhood than even his alcoholic father and childhood diabetes combined.”

I don’t know where the heck that quote came from or if someone made that up as a joke in the Wikipedia entry, but let me tell you that it seems about right.

SPOILER: Skeletor finds out what the meaning of Christmas is and She-Ra does her best Kristin Stewart impression throughout. Then our toilet broke. Whether there was a correlation between our toilet and this show remains to be seen.

We had some food. I made Pastitsio with gluten free rice pasta and bacon wrapped blue cheese stuffed dates that took over 6 lb of bacon. We also assembled gingerbread (graham cracker) houses:

One of these things is not like the other:

I hope your holiday season is wonderful. There is a lot of bullshit in the world today. My philosophy is to pretend I am Atillia the Hun that wears a nice hat.

NOTE: Dapper hat came from these guys.

Now I must run off and finish getting my holiday thank you cards sent to the people who helped sponsor Intervention 2012: