I’m going to go off on a bit of a ranty tangent here about Stitch and other Disney properties that I just don’t totally get.

I finally saw Lilo and Stitch. Ok. This film was disturbing. Lilo is clearly a very sick little girl. It’s not cute or awesome in any way. I don’t get how watching her sociopathic behavior is supposed to be fun. I felt really, REALLY bad for her older sister who is trying her best to not have her taken away by the social worker. Lilo herself was actually very one dimensional when she wasn’t being just plain upsetting to watch or mean. My understanding of psychology made me feel terrible for Lilo, but the one dimensional nature of how she was shown in the beginning of the film made it hard for me not to plain dislike the little shit.

I thought a lot of the scenes were very well done. I really liked the art and how they set up some of the scenes and recurring jokes. I just couldn’t get past how disturbing the whole premise is. Of course the ending was cute and all. It was well done, but..yeah. Couldn’t get past the mentally sick little girl who needed to be committed to a home for seriously disturbed kids. Yikes. I ALMOST wanted to exclaim on top of a mountain that this film could have been called “Asshole and Little Bitch” because it’s basically Lilo and Stitch pranking or hurting unsuspecting nice people.

My empathy for the little girl (even though she was kind of a sociopath through most of the film) prevents me from scaling any mountains right now, but I am left with mixed feelings. I just kind of don’t like this film very much even though it was very well done from an animation perspective. The intention of the film was to be fun but it was the same as watching an insane person do something amusing. It’s great until you think about what you are actually seeing.

Speaking of Stitch – he is ALL OVER THE PLACE in Orlando.

I don’t really get why Disney needs to keep rebranding attractions with Stitch. He is in nearly every parade, every gift shop, and every place they can possibly cram his blue, furry ass into. The big thing they have done is to rebrand Alien Encounter and replacing it with Stitch’s Great Escape. Stitch’s Great Escape is probably one of the worst Disney Attraction in the history of man. No one likes this attraction. NO ONE. I hate it because it’s stupid and underwhelming. Conservative families hate it because of the rude burp humor on the ride. (Stitch burps in your face and they shoot chili dog smell at you.) I’ve read countless reviews of this ride and it’s hard to find a positive review for it. There is rarely a wait for this ride because it has almost no redeeming factor. After you have been on it once there is absolutely no reason to go back on.

However, Disney doesn’t seem to get the picture. They keep throwing Stitch at us over and over again. They did a stage show called Stitch’s Supersonic Celebration. It was so ass-rippingly bad that they discontinued it after only 6 weeks. It seems they have not learned from these two attractions. I’ve heard he will be on more attractions in the near future. ARGH. NO. GOD. NO.

This is just as crazy to me as to why they are making Monsters 2 and Cars 2 (plus a whole Cars Land at California Adventure in Anaheim, CA) and no Incredibles 2. CARS has half a freaking park. FREAKING CARS. However, great films like The Incredibles and Ratatouille have almost nothing. The Haunted Mansion in Disney World is one of the most popular attractions of all time and it has almost no merchandise in the entire park! It is just inexplicable.

I’m sure it has to do with merchandise testing very well with children, but Argh. ARGH. ARGH. I’m a Disney Parks mega fan but I can’t imagine wanting to go to FREAKING CARS LAND. Walt himself knew it was important to market to all ages, but that appears to get lost sometimes these days. There are a lot of properties that I would buy merchandise for, but it seems that whoever is running Disney now just doesn’t understand that adults without children have money, too. They have some kick ass parks, but sometimes it seems they miss some obvious sales opportunities.

Yes, I am referring to the Haunted Mansion baseball cap that I’ve been trying to find for Harknell for over 4 years now. I don’t think it exists. I’ll bet I could find Stitch toilet paper, but no simple Haunted Mansion hat.

I did see a Stitch riding the Haunted Mansion pin, and I wanted to gouge my eyes out with it.

Here is some footage of the old Alien Encounter attraction. It got replaced with Stitch before I ever got to ride it. Much of the ride is in darkness so that they can scare you with the alien breathing down your back or touching you.

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I was listening to talk radio on the way to work today and the topic of lying to your kids came up. Specifically they were talking about kids who had nonstandard birth situations. For example, there was a mother who couldn’t conceive so her sister got artificially inseminated and carried the baby to term for her. There was another kid that was adopted.

The parents overwhelmingly insisted that it was best to not tell the kid that their situation was nonstandard until “after they got out of school”. The idea was that kids would be too stupid to understand the situation when they are young and too angsty to handle it when they become a teen. This tells me that all of the parents who called into that show are too stupid to raise children.

This pissed me off a lot. Kids are NOT stupid. They are not animals. Teens are NOT so blinded with angst that they are stupid wind up toys that shrink at the slight bit of peer pressure.

I’m an adopted child with a nonstandard situation. I was an abandoned baby that was lucky enough to get adopted. My parents never lied to me about this. They always told me the truth. I understood it when I was a toddler. No one picked on me about it when I was in High School. If anything, gradeschool is when kids messed with me, and they just did that because I was a nerd, not because I was adopted. The adoption thing was just something they threw out there after they ran out of nerd insults.

If my parents had ever hid this from me or lied to me to protect my PWESCIOUS MIND, I’d hate their guts for the rest of my life and never be able to trust them again. They treated me like a responsible human being and I became one. It is as simple as that.

The fact that some types of parents coddle their kids and weave lies to create some kind of stupid fantasy world for them is exactly what I mean when I say I am tired of bad parents. Growing up is about learning who you are and dealing with it. It is not about learning that you were a magic princess that fell out of the buttcrack of heaven off of a shining sleigh of chocolate bars and pixy stix. That story won’t fly in the college dorm or in the office.

Children are part of life. These parents that called in to this show need to take responsibility for their kids and stop treating them like stupid livestock. If they could just respect the intelligence and strength of their kids, they might find that their kids will respect them for it and become stronger. I don’t believe you should ever lie to kids. It just teaches them to lie to you.

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I know I’m not the only one who passes up a really cute dress because it requires a racerback bra and I don’t have the bandwidth to think about which bra goes with that dress. You are NOT going to get me to think before 11AM, sorry.

And fuck convertible bras that I never end up using and then they fall apart. It’s like a freaking transformer thats a bra too much thinking too early in the morning!!!!

LADIES: BUY OUR NEW OPTIMUS PUSSY SET. IT’S MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE.

:D

Also, I don’t do white pants because I really don’t care to pair them with flesh toned underwear so they don’t show through. Give me some damn pants that are opaque…completely opaque!

In theory I could think about this stuff. But I don’t want to. All my underwear is black and it all matches with everything except for the 2 flesh toned bras I got for my white tops. Fuck it I look striking in white. I made an exception.

But no white pants.

BTW:

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I was reading a newsletter today from one of my favorite cosmetics brands. I’m being frugal so that I can pay off my credit card debt. One of the few splurges I allow myself is for the occasional handmade bath product. We are talking $8 one use bath bombs, $15 lotion, and $30 shampoo all of which will get moldy within a few months because they don’t use preservatives.

Clearly, these things are not affordable for everyone.

I don’t buy them often, but when I do I consciously think about how lucky I am to be able to do so. I grew up very poor, didn’t have the usual childhood, and worked hard all of my life and continue to do so. Every day I think about how lucky I am and I keep working hard so that things will get better.

The advice column in their newsletter doesn’t appear to have this type of perspective. In fact, it positively set my temper aflame. I have to warn you now that I’m about to erupt into a string of creative expletives.

Here is what was said:

Q: Do you think that buying green and ethical products is a luxury? I used to buy organic…and I’d travel to farmer’s markets to get free range eggs…ethically sourced cosmetics…but now I’m not sure that I can afford it. Maybe I should be looking for bargains and saving my money up for the future. What do you think?

A: One thing about going green is that if you do it right, it really will save you money. If you buy vegetables in season, they aren’t expensive, even organic ones. How about growing your own? …As for cosmetics, why compromise? Come to :brand name deleted: …you’ll get very good value cosmetics and no bunnies will be harmed. It’s only when times are hard that you find out if you really have princiiples. Stick with it!

Let’s ignore the fact that the answer person’s job here is clearly to SELL SELL SELL luxury hippy products and that the question may have very well been written by one of their marketers (poorly) and break down the answer that was given in Real Life [TM}, shall we?

In High School, I hung out with a lot of nice hippies. I have great respect for vegetarians, vegans, and those who want to do well for the planet and animals. All of them were into PETA and natural products. It was notable that they did have a lot more money than I did at the time. I have tried to be “green” about 3 times so far. Back in High School when I lived below the poverty line I failed BECAUSE I COULDN’T AFFORD IT. I did manage to go over my hippy friend’s houses where they would fix me a good meal, but that was it. They all understood that my intentions were good, but I just didn’t have a life that would let me have the same things that they have and they respected me for trying as best as I could.

Fresh produce and cosmetics go BAD before you can use it all. If you buy in small quantities it’s not cost effective. If you are poor, you want a $1 shampoo that will last you 6 months, not a $30 ethical, green shampoo that will last you 3.

This lady suggests growing your own produce? OH COME ON GIVE ME A GODDAMN BREAK I LIVE IN NEW JERSEY. My apartment is the size of a large bathroom. WHAT AM I GOING TO STRAP A GARDEN TO MY ASS AND WEAR IT LIKE A BUTT PAPOOSE? How about evicting a homeless man from the local dumpster, pushing the used syringes aside and starting a jaunty garden there?

OH HELL NO.

Fake meat and handmade cosmetics are MORE EXPENSIVE and probably only available at a store that is an hour away from where you live as opposed to the local supermarket or fast food. I have known people who were middle class (not poor) who have managed to be vegan, vegetarian, organic, or “green”…but that is ALMOST ALL THAT THEY DID WITH THEIR LIFE BECAUSE IT TOOK ALMOST ALL OF THEIR RESOURCES. They needed to have the money to be able to do it as well as the ability to plan everything out ahead.

If one can get the cash together to support a green happy hippy lifestyle, you are faced with time. Poor people have to work. Sometimes they have to work long hours which leaves you with no time to prepare the food or drive an hour away to go to the fancypants organic green market. The products go bad, or you simply have no time to go and seek it out.

If one follows this idiot answer guru’s logic, you would think that all poor people are too stupid to realize that “going green” is cheaper than McDonalds and the local supermarket. POOR PEOPLE AREN’T STUPID THEY JUST DON’T HAVE ANY CASH. They go to McDonald’s and the local supermarket because it literally is the cheapest and easiest option. People pick the cheapest and easiest option when times are hard because THEY HAVE TO. FACT.

This answer guru has the most offensive, ethnocentric attitude I have seen in a long time. Oh my GOD.

Then of course she has to finish her “advice column” with a backhanded accusation that if this person can no longer afford to buy the $30 shampoo that she must have no principles.

In summary: The question was “I can’t afford this, what should I do?” Her answer was, “Keep buying luxury items, or you have no principles.”

I have an answer for this answer guru:

TAKE YOUR GREEN SHIT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR PRIVILEGED ASS.

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I really freaking hate April Fools Day. Today, the ENTIRE internet is useless while every jerkoff tries to stretch their ballsacks hardest.

Stupid fucking fratboy bandwagon-humping holiday.

I’ve just never liked the kind of humor that involves making someone else feel uncomfortable, sad, or confused. I am sure there are tasteful April Fools jokes out there, but frankly I’m of the belief that it’s just all played the fuck out. I think it totally jumped the shark for me one year when someone deleted a coworker’s hard drive as a prank, making her lose everything she was working on.

There is nothing wrong with the concept. I’m sure in the Smurf villiage, all is well, but in the human village full of assholes, things aren’t as advertised. Good taste goes out the window when you give an asshole carte blanche to put his own dick in his mouth for sport.

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