2012, LOLZ, Oni's Life, Rants

Shit Jingles: A Christmas Story

If you like Christmas music, that’s cool. I’m not going to think anything of it. People are allowed to like things that I don’t like. I may actually be in the minority judging by how well Christmas music sells. I am not that target audience. In my case I hate Christmas music so much that I’ve actually began trembling and left stores that were playing a particularly obnoxious strain of it. Heavy metal bands have even done Christmas music. Those albums can DIAF.

Imagine if you will if the most offensive pop song to you was played every year. Perhaps “Who Let the Dogs Out”, “The Macarena”, or “Hit Me Baby One More Time” would be played in every business establishment and on every TV and Radio Station every year. The simple thud of the same lyrics, the same beat, the same simple songs would start to be annoying.

You wake up, hear Jingle Shits, go to the store hear Shit Jingles, turn on the TV hear Jingle Shits, turn on the radio hear Shit Jingles, turn the channel to hear Shit Jingles that’s exactly 5 seconds earlier than the last Shit Jingles so it’s like you traveled backward in time 5 seconds but really you are still just listening to another rendition of Shit Jingles on a different channel that’s being done by a folk singer wearing a monkey hat.

It’s the same songs every year each with a rendition far more obnoxious than the last. The Rudolph the Red Nosed gangsta rap doesn’t really do much to improve upon an already well-worn concept.

My guess is that some people associate this music with pleasant holiday memories. That’s cool. That’s not me, though. To me it’s also a reminder that there is some sort of party out there that it seems everyone but me is having (with shitty music). There is an ideal concept of what family life is supposed to be entwined with Christmas that I’ve never had, and truthfully, I think a lot of people don’t have.

This might explain why depression is very high during the holidays. I see a lot of people rushing around to buy material goods, pushing people out of the way for stupid sales, and losing sight of the actual sentimental feelings that these songs are supposed to be describing.

“Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells F U I’LL CUT YOU FOR THAT LAST IPHONE ON THE SHELF!” would be more accurate in my opinion.

One Commnet on “Shit Jingles: A Christmas Story

  1. Would you rather they play, “It’s beginning to look a lot like fishmen” or the like?

    Personally I feel the same old songs get old, and remixes are obnoxious too. Most of them were written about the experiences you’d have at the time. Perhaps if they were to come up with entirely new songs relating to people these days it’d be better.

    On the other hand, I don’t think “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells F U I’LL CUT YOU FOR THAT LAST IPHONE ON THE SHELF!” will sell very well. Heck, it might spark outrage in the half of America which is guilty of uttering such a phrase.

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