I am a big fan of the SAW franchise. I’ve been known to be an apologist for some of the-ahem-creative deviations they have done with the writing. I went out to see SAW 3D today as soon as I could. This film was so bad that I can’t even make an excuse for it. I don’t have the words left to tell you what a big pile of shit this was. It was like Alien 3 and diarrhea. If you want to see a good SAW film, watch 1-3. Mostly 1.

Spoliers are below.

…but it really doesn’t matter because it is so bad I am doing you a favor.

Here are some reasons why you should not waste your money on this pile of shit.

1. Clip show of gore with no point: SAW 3D was almost like a clip show of the most gory traps they could think of. I’m not squeamish, but I believe gore has to have a point in the plot. I watch SAW because of the adventure game-like plot, not the spurting blood. Most of the traps were of people who had nothing to do with anything. They made them as gory as possible for no reason other than the fact that they could. Seemingly endless scenes of people getting cut in half, torn up, pulling their teeth out, pulling fishooks out of their throats, having things gouged through their eyes…it was just way too much and way more than any other SAW film has ever done. Some of the traps had a point but a lot did not. It was shit writing just so they could show us entrails. There were 11 total traps in this ONE FILM. 11!

2. Fabricated plot out of someones ass without any satisfaction or closure: They made up a new police detective protagonist. I can’t remember his name – but don’t worry it doesn’t matter because he gets killed pretty fast along with every police member in the movie. They made up so much shit in this film and gave it context via flashback I felt like I was listening to a little kid tell a story. “OH OH WAIT GUYS I FORGOT TO TELL YOU LAST YEAR THEY GUY DID THIS SO OK NOW HERE IT MAKES SENSE.”

The main trap/maze in this film focused on an author who lied claiming that he was a survivor of Jigsaw’s traps and became rich over it. Jigsaw places him in a trap where he has to save all of his friends who kept his secret. The only person who did not know he was lying was his innocent wife who he has to save. You get to watch some very drawn out traps but find that SURPRISE he fails and everybody dies horribly (including the innocent wife) except for him. He does get maimed pretty bad.

Cut to Hoffmann who kills everyone in the police precinct (again), and Jigsaw’s wife. He slices through what seems like armies of people like a God and the only explanation I can see for it is magic and teleportation. So many things don’t make sense. How did Hoffmann get to these places undetected? How did he tap into the security system? How could one guy have set all of this up? How is he setting up scenarios that would take a whole team of men to orchestrate? He was supposed to be emotional and not as smart as Jigsaw. Now all of a sudden he is a genius, a ninja, and a magical teleporter that does the work of a small team of people! WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS.

Then we find out that Dr. Gordon comes ambushes him with a few pig guys WHO WE ARE NEVER TOLD ANYTHING ABOUT and throws him the bathroom from the first film and says, “Game Over”. The credit roll. Hoffmann isn’t even dead, but almost everyone else is. We have no explanation, no closure, and all of the characters we know are dead except for the villain, Dr. Gordon, and the random author guy. For all we know the story isn’t over because Dr. Gordon is still here or Hoffmann could use his GODLIKE POWERS TO TELEPORT OUT OF THE ROOM. Fuckin’ A.

There was a nice angle about a Jigsaw survivor support group. We thought that they would be revealed as the pig guys who were out to stop the cycle. that would be kind of cool…but they never did that. They just left it completely unresolved.

Fans had been saying for years that Dr. Gordon had something to do with it. It’s very disappointing that it seems they just tacked on what the fans made up on fan forums to the end of their shitty film.

3. Hoffman must be God because he can apparently teleport and manipulate time and space to construct elaborate traps ALL BY HIMSELF and kill everyone: Like I said above, Hoffmann is stronger than any comic book super hero I have ever seen to the point of absolute ridiculousness. He’s killed what? At least 3 entire precincts of police. That’s probably a few hundred guys at least. HOW ON GOD DAMN EARTH DOES ONE GUY KILL THIS MANY POLICE AND CIVILIANS AND WE DON’T HAVE THE FEDS AND THE FREAKING ARMY CALLED IN.

4. Jigsaw’s code apparently was bullshit: Jigsaw supposedly had a code that he never killed innocent people. Apparently that completely was thrown out the window.

5. Jigsaw I guess didn’t love his wife, even though he did in the previous 6 films: Jigsaw leaves his wife in a situation where she quickly gets killed by Hoffmann. How would he be that stupid? He kept Dr. Gordon as a sleeper agent, but he only activated after she was dead – not to protect her. What a pile of fucking cock a dick shit.

I can’t even go into this any further. There is just too much wrong with this film. It’s a string of torture porn held together be almost no plot. We got no revelations, no ending, and no closure. SAW 4-6 weren’t that great, but at least they gave us something in the way of plot. The only thing this gave is a lighter wallet and the rental of stupid poindexter glasses for the bullshit 3D crap that added nothing to this film. They clearly wanted to kill this franchise and they did it.

The UK has always fallen behind the US in terms of celebrating Halloween, and it’s only been in recent years that people are starting to take it seriously. As a result more and more leisure attractions are seeing the potential for Halloween events. One attraction which has been a staple event year on year for the last nine years is Fright Nights.

Fright Nights began back in 2002 with just a couple of mazes, and has developed each year into what it is has now become. We’d not been down for a couple of years so naturally we jumped at the chance at an exclusive behind the scenes tour of one of the more intricate mazes in the events line up; “The Curse.”

We were to spend the full day at the park, and with the majority of mazes not opening until late afternoon we seized our chance to sample two of the parks newest additions both themed around the Saw horror franchise – perfect for setting the mood for what was to come later on!

Firstly ‘Saw-The Ride’, a Gerstlauer “Eurofighter” which combines a rollercoaster with a dark ride /scare maze. (HD POV is here. - Oni) The indoor section of the ride is what really stands out for me, heavily themed and a few nice surprises to keep you on your toes. The ride’s signature element is a vertical lift hill followed by a beyond vertical 95° degree drop which is an unnerving start to the ride. Unfortunately for me the rest of the ride I found to be quite uncomfortable and actually left the ride with quite a bad headache.

So onto “Saw Alive”, a permanent live action horror maze which is open year round. We had high expectations for this having experienced the Saw maze at Universal Studios ‘Halloween Horror Nights last year. The maze featured some great actors who really knew how to work the space and play to each rooms individual strengths. Whereas there seemed to be little urgency to get through 80% of the maze at Universal as we’d stop to watch each set piece play out, Thorpe Park’s Sister attraction was fast paced and full of great scares. I’d actually say Saw Alive was the better maze and although slightly shorter, the maze is rich in theming and action packed.

Lunch time fell upon us and before we knew it it was time for our behind the scenes tour. We met with the fabulous people from ScareTour and waited for Laura Sinclair, Entertainments Manager for Thorpe Park who was to be our tour guide. Laura has been in charge of Fright Nights since it’s conception and it’s easy to see how proud she is of what the event has evolved into.

The tour took place with the work lights on, which really highlighted how much effort has gone into creating the experience, much of which is subliminal and many people probably wouldn’t notice on a normal walk through. From the outside the maze is very simple with just a few hints here and there of what lies inside. With the lights on it’s easier to spot how many of the attractions many effects are triggered off. We were sworn to secrecy to much of the maze’s secrets so unfortunately I can’t divulge very much and we were banned from taking pictures to help keep the ships mystery a, well, mystery! However, Fright Nights future looks good and with the events tenth birthday next year Thorpe Park are sure to ramp it up once again with a few more surprises for us thrill seekers.

Next up were our most anticipated mazes ‘Hellgate‘ and ‘Asylum‘, both of which we’d never experienced before. Both mazes are rather more traditional in their scares, both housed in permanent structures rather than tents like the others.

We kicked off with Asylum which is themed towards a mental institute where mutiny has erupted and the patients have taken over.

Lots of loud noises and strobe lights disorientate you throughout your journey. There were one or two exceptional actors who really know how to play on your fears and aren’t afraid to get up close to bring it out. No further than ten metres into the maze a rather creepy actress with a doll had one of us “kissing her baby” as she screamed at us. The actors here are relentless and aren’t afraid to touch you. This is where Thorpe Park differs from many events in the country, with the added warning that you ‘may be touched’ you are certainly kept on your toes. One of my main criticisms of the maze was how easy it was to catch up with the groups in front and that you have to make a conscious effort to hold back. Occasionally the odd actor would stand in your path to slow you down and keep distance but by the end of our first run through we had caught up with two groups in front which in turn totally spoiled the finale. Luckily on our second trip through the finale had us running out of the door.

Asylum really does live up to its name, it’s easily the parks longest maze and you do end up by the finale wondering how long it’s going to go on for and if you will ever make it out, a bit like its residents. I’d actually like the strobes to be slowed down a little more to create more confusion and to allow the actors to use the darkness more effectively, and for more of the actors to be a bit more physical with their movements as some did feel like they were simply going through the motions, whilst other stand out actors threw their heart and soul into it. But on the whole this is a good solid maze which has a certain notoriety amongst visitors.

At this point there’s one thing I’d like to commend Thorpe on. In every maze we were sent through in groups of 8-10. Very often you find that to get throughput up staff are encouraged to get as many people through as possible. Over here we don’t really have conga lines like the US parks do, so it tends to be a much more intense experience. Generally if there’s a scare then most of the group will see it, and by keeping the group numbers down it really adds to your vulnerability throughout the mazes.

Hellgate had been played down to us by many people. Set in an old mansion it’s residents make great use of the darkness to ramp up the scares. The acting talent in here was possibly the strongest on park with the actors really improvising their roles and making them their own. One enthusiastic character blocked our path by holding herself above us, resting her feet on a handrail and leaning backwards on the opposite wall. It was clear we had to travel underneath, and as we edged forward nervously the leader of our group bolted for freedom under the actress. In a flash the actress had jumped down and was chasing the girl as we fell about laughing. From this point onwards things started to turn nasty as the actress eventually let us pass, yet kept on following us throughout the rest of the maze along with each actor or actress we met on the way. By the end I would guess we had about 6 or so scare actors behind us which really made this maze for me especially as I was at the back of the group. Every time I turned around they were getting closer and closer as I screamed to the front the urgency that we needed to get moving. For me Hellgate may look a little dated now compared to some of the theming in the newest mazes but it goes to show that you can still provide some brilliant scares if the acting talent is top notch. I can say with confidence that my Hellgate experience was my highlight of the event.

Next up was “The Curse” which didn’t seem to be attracting people like the other mazes were which seemed a great shame, Given that we’d been pretty much told where people would jump out from it certainly didn’t spoil things. With the work lights off the Curse really does fully immerse you in your surroundings. With sections in complete darkness actors really do seem to come at you from every angle. I’d argue that it’s the park’s stand out attraction in terms of full immersion, detail and all-round scares.

Last up on the maze front was “Se7en” a tented maze which zig-zags through 7 rooms based on the seven deadly sins. Theming is, although a little sparse in places, very well placed in here, and again there’s a few good scares to be had. The maze had evolved somewhat since our last visit and it was nice to have some fresh ideas. Some of the rooms although quite well themed around the edges are easy to rush through and it would be nice to be held up a little more, forcing us to stop and take in the surroundings rather than simply running for the next room. One actress that really had me spooked, and I’m not even sure why, simply walked towards us menacingly, grabbed hold of what we ‘assumed’ to be a large knife, or implement of harm, and began hoovering … yes, we were officially scared of housework, one of the lesser known sins it seems, but no matter how odd, its nice to see them improvising and thinking outside of the box. One notable room is “Gluttony” which features a extremely real looking body face down in his food bowl. The smell of vomit burns into your nostrils, the sound of flies buzzing really does turn your stomach, and even though there’s no real scares to be had in here, it really does create tension and atmosphere in the room.

Over on the other side of the park and once darkness fell, the park unveiled their new area. Simply titled ‘Dead End – Terror Zone‘, it’s a graveyard of old ride cars and props, filled heavily with smoke and populated by two or three actors. It is similar to the scare zone’s at some of the US parks with a few exceptions. Firstly guests are restricted to only going one way through the area. Secondly, guests are made to wait and go through exploring in groups rather than being allowed to just wander around freely. The zone fills just a small area and has only a handful of actors wearing cheap latex masks. Some people have commented that it’s a disappointing addition to the park although I’d personally take the stance that it’s a great starting point for things to come. I’d like to see Dead End grow, expand to one or two more actors and become less formal, allowing people wander through as they wish. I see it as more of a place where people can hang out getting some milder scares without having to face the intensity of the full blown mazes, like an introduction to fear. Its an addition to the park which can only be a good thing, a sign of progression in the right direction, and a healthy step towards becoming what I feel could end up as a separately ticketed event, such as Universal’s ‘Halloween Horror Nights’ or Busch Garden’s ‘Howl-o-Scream.’

Overall a top year for Fright Nights, an event which is growing massively …. here’s to the 10 Year Anniversary !

I’m happy to introduce our first guest blogger – @rollercolster! A little about him:

“I’m from the uk, 29 and love haunted attractions, theme parks, photography, music and running.

Two years ago I wouldn’t even go in a ghost train and hated the dark, these days I’m addicted to being scared out of my brain by these kind of attractions …”

He is going to give us a taste of what it is like to celebrate Halloween at the parks in the UK. Go ahead and follow him on Twitter!

There will be a lot of sppoky posts this week as we finish up the last week until Halloween!

The front of Pennhurst Asylum:

I had been waiting anxiously since October 2009 for Pennhurst Asylum (Spring City, PA) to open. Randy Bates of the really awesome Bates Motel (Glen Mills, PA) was working on this haunt. I expected for Pennhurst to be comparable to The Bates Motel in at least a small way. I even cut them some slack because this is their first year.

I still cannot recommend this haunt to you. Pennhurst was really disappointing on a few different levels. It really seemed like this was more of a proof of concept than a finished haunt. Here are 9 things that I hope Pennhurst Asylum will change in the coming years so that they can become really amazing.

1. Questionable wait times with no entertainment: I have heard from other haunt fans that they have waited for hours in line for this attraction. I arrived at 7:30ish (opening time) on Friday, October 22nd to avoid that. I waited about 15 minutes, but the line quickly grew to enormous proportions behind me. The area has a winding pathway that you must follow to get to the line for the attraction. There were hardly any scare actors at the route (I counted only 1.) to get to the line and absolutely none around the line at all.

2. Linear implementation of the traffic flow: There was a band playing and a bonfire set up at the entrance to the path that led to the line. This was pretty cool. Unfortunately, you couldn’t really enjoy them. They were not visible from the line. The way that the area was set up prevented you from returning to this area after you go through the attraction. It’s just a fact that no one will wait to get in line for a haunt. I don’t get why some haunts have to make their grounds linear like this. They’d make more money if we were able to enjoy the band and refreshments without worrying that we’ll have a really long line growing in front of us.

The bonfire area:

3. Overuse of mass-produced animatronic props: The majority of the scare actors inside Pennhurst Asylum seemed to be animatronic props. I felt like I was walking through a Halloween costume store. I really could not get into it. These props actually made the Pennhurst building seem less scary than it probably was.

4. Wide, well-lit rooms are not scary at all: The rooms were too well-lit and too wide. They really need to build the walls inward to provide better hiding places for the scare actors. I could see everyone coming a mile away. It was so lit that I couldn’t help but notice how cheap their plastic Halloween masks were. This is the first haunt I have ever been to that I felt the urge to laugh at and make fun of things as I went through.

5. Sparse distribution of scare actors: Maybe it was the size of the rooms, but it seemed like there weren’t that many scare actors working.

6. The attraction is REALLY short for what you are paying: They are billing this as 2 attractions – Pennhurst Asylum and Tunnel Terror. This is kind of ridiculous because both of these “attractions” are linked together and only last 15 minutes total. In my opinion this is one short attraction. You will probably spend about 7.5 minutes inside Pennhurst Asylum and 7.5 minutes in the Tunnel Terror and you’ll pay anywhere from $20-$25 for it.

7. Tunnel Terror is absolutely awful: It sounds really cool to enter the bowels of a messed up haunted place, right? Well this was just annoying and boring. At first a few scare actors were just standing around hitting mallets into metal drums near the occasional strobe light. Then the lights kept getting dimmer and dimmer. Then it got pitch black. Big problem – It was far too dark to see where you were going. This caused a traffic jam. The people behind us pushed in front of us by accident. The people in front of them had stopped because they couldn’t see. It just got nuts really fast. It wasn’t scary – it was a really annoying mass of confused people in the dark. The hallways were extremely wide so you couldn’t even feel your way through. You couldn’t even see any scare actors to get scared. I don’t think there were that many scare actors down there, though. The emotions my group felt during this attraction were annoyance and nervousness of accidentally pushing into another person.

8. Puddles of stinky water: The floor in the tunnels were soaking wet for some reason. There were puddles of water everywhere.

9. No storyline: It’s an Asylum. Boogity boogity. Big whoop. None of the scenes really made sense. There was a preshow area where a doctor is supposedly interviewing you for acceptance, but really nothing said or done here had any impact on anything. I can enjoy a not scary haunt if they are telling me a story. I can forgive a story-less haunt if it’s really scary. Pennhurst was both not scary and lacking a storyline. All we got was a random amalgamation of scenes that had a hospital theme to them.

I really wanted to like Pennhurst, but I probably won’t be returning for about 5 years because I am hoping that they will have fine-tuned it by then. I hope that they make some serious changes – including opening the building up for day tours. I believe in this haunt, but right now it is too short, absolutely not scary at all (I didn’t scream even once), and full of mostly animatronic props with no real storyline other than “OMG ASYLUM”. The coolest thing about Pennhurst was the hype and the graffiti on the exterior.

For $20-$25 we really should be getting more than this.

6×8, Pencil, inks, and Copic markers on sketch paper.

$50. Email me if you want it.